26) Gail Monday (May Saturday)

What else could I be now but human? Jealousy, ecstasy, hmiliation--How else could I have earned these feelings? Neil said to me, "Welcome to the club." There was no smile. To which club? i wondered but did not ask--there were so many that I could have joined over the weekend. Certainly, I was sullen and unable to meet anyone's eye; and angry and embarrassed, then angry all over again. Only with Gail Friday did I feel what humanness might be worth.

Monday, Gail was quiet, but of a different kind than mine--expectant but patient and attentive. I turned to her once in the car, but she had already turned to me, and what I saw I could not face. I had cried enough Saturday after work. I chose, instead, to pity myself.

"Stay with me, Gail," I said when the food was away. "For a while. Please." I swallowed. Talk to me." There was no hope now that I wouldn't cry, but I wouldn't be embarrassed.

I sat on the floor, and Gail laid on her side facing me. When she bent her legs and pulled them toward her I crawled into her lap and let her hug me while I cried, clutching her arm and pressing myself against her. She was soft and strong.

"Did May take you home?"

I rubbed my nose across my arm. Gail's heart beat in my ear. I did not want to think about Saturday. "Yes."

"That was nice of her."

"Yes. But I think I would rather have walked home."

"But you didn't."

"No. I did not. I still wanted to be with her. I should have walked. She did not talk to me."

"Maybe she was hurt."

"Hurt?" I had not considered it. I did not want to consider it now.

"You were unkind."

"She was not sincere."

"She didn't want to hurt your feelings."

"It hurt more."

Gail's stomach pressed my back and fell back again. Her breath warmed my head.

"It's hard, Book Monkey."

The grey of the blank wall I faced darkened as I watched, night accelerating.

Gail said, "Be kind to her. That's what she needs."

"Will she love me then?"

"No."

I rolled onto my back. Head pressed against her breast, I looked up at her red eyes and the wet lines trailing from them.

"You are kind to me," I told her. "I am glad that you love me." I turned to face her and wrapped an arm over her. "I will love you, too."