27) Advice and Experience

I remember Neil telling me I would have a lot to say, but I do not know what that would be be now. My inspiration mocks me. It has been laughing since May rejected me. Continuing to write would feel like spite if I could believe my feelings for May were not real. But I am confused. I have become quite good at avoiding her, yet when we must be in the same room, I want her to notice me. I do not, though, know how to "show off," and since I do not dare even look at her now, I can not know if she looks at me. I do this all on Neil's advice. I do not know what I would do on my own, and though I can not understand what I want this behavior to cause, I do not trust my own advice. It has no experience.