25) Me and May

As Neil has become more sullen and withdrawn, I have become more assertive. Neil makes no eye contact and does his job with abrupt movements and clamped lips. I know I have no secrets. Of what should I be ashamed?

"May?" I did not wait for her response. "Would you help me take this cart upstairs?" I knew where she would be at the top of the hour a few minutes away. The schedule changes daily but not weekly. "You are shelf-reading up there?"

The wait for her response was eternal, though her hesitation was noticeable only to my expectation. In that elongated moment I studied her face, though I was locked into eyes so dark as to be featureless: Her skin, almost olive, gleamed taut agaunst cheekbones across which I wanted to rub my rough thumbs as I finger-combed her lyart hair.

"Sure," she said.

The elevator's confinement little concerned me. I climbed the cart and said to May, "I have to talk to you."

"Oh?" The corners of her mouth lifted briefly. It seemed a laugh at me. I did not indulge it.

"Yes."

"Okay, but it will have to wait."

The doors parted. May moved to the back of the cart to push. I stayed where I was until I told her, "After work." At that moment I saw in her eyes and her suddenly dull, slack skin that I was not a joke.

She whispered, "Okay."

I jumped down and pulled the cart.

After work, as we all filed from the back door, Neil came to my side. "Stick close," he whispered, and slowed to my shorter stride. May was ahead of us. She had not so much as looked at me since our agreement. I followed Neil to his car but watched May to hers.

"Is she going to leave?" I said. I was having trouble believing she had not forgotten.

We both watched May, two rows away, place a laden cloth grocery bag on the back seat of her car.

"No."

May closed the back door, opened the front, and glanced over before climbing in.

"She's waiting for everyone else to leave," Neil said. It seemed an almost scientific observation, and I was shuddered by a flashing memory.

Meg's was the last other car to leave. I could tell by the way she was not looking at us that she had been and was trying hard not to again.

Neil's hand alighted upon my shoulder. I looked up at him. Much was in his eyes, some of it for me, some of it for himself. "Go," he said. "Be honest."

I almost tumbled away, my legs trembled so. This moment seemed my whole life. Neil started his car, and I was choked by a blue cloud. He drove off quickly, leaving me, the other car, and the universe.

May rolled down her window as I approached it. She smiled, but I could not. I have seen so many smiles recently with so many meanings that I could not trust even hers. Still smiling, she said, "Get in."

Into the seat beside her I sank below the window. At least it was open.

"So," she said.

"May, I am in love with you."

"So I've heard."

"Read, you meant?"

"Yes, read."

"Do you love me?"

"No."

"Then I will stop being in love with you."

"It's that easy?"

"No. I am lying. It has not been easy for Neil. It will not be easy for me, though maybe easier, because it is so much more obviously futile than for Neil. I do not even know why I am in love with you. It makes no sense. I do not even know you."

"I'm sorry, Book Monkey, but I just don't feel the same for you."

"You are not sorry, and do not be."

"Things can change. You'll be the first to know when it happens."

"You are insincere."

May turned away, and past her profile I saw my bus home pass. I had not thought of that.

"This is stupid," I said. "I am a monkey." With not half a moment of consideration, I climbed out of the window and strode toward the street.

"You missed your bus," May called.

I shrieked, "I know!" I could not stand the sound of her voice. Her compasion mocked me. I cried until I could do nothing else but sit down and cry more. I thought I would never stop, and I did not think I wanted to.